To Life
by jadesword
Summary: based loosely on the Evanescence song 'Bring Me To Life', a quick 58 and 39 story


...To Life  
  
jadesword  
  
notes:  
  
* * -- emphasis  
  
/ / -- thoughts  
  
*****  
  
Midnight now. A bell in the distance, perhaps south-east of this little inn.  
  
I have been standing outside for about an hour now, according to that bell. The rain trickles down the back of my neck, falls in streamlets from my fingertips, washes the mud of the road from my feet.  
  
Perhaps it isn't just the rain that is making me feel so cold.  
  
The black line on my palm is becoming faint, the ink washing away under the onslaught of the rain. It must be a hard rain indeed to render permanent ink so useless.  
  
And so my life might indeed be shortened. We have left Chin Ii Sou's body behind, and I have crushed that mahjong tile that was his life in my own hands. Still his curse, the hate he bore me, hangs silent and heavy in the air, as heavy as the clouds above that deny us the stars in the night sky.  
  
I haven't felt so alone since the night Kanan died, my hopes with her, and the light in my eyes.  
  
One more sleepless night for Genjo Sanzou and his endless cigarettes.  
  
One more restless night for Son Goku and his constant hunger.  
  
One more endless night for Sha Gojyo and his lucky deck of cards.  
  
One more hopeless night for my soul, Cho Hakkai's soul - and its insistent voices, Cho Gonou's voice and....  
  
Footsteps suddenly, but whether from within the inn or without I cannot tell.  
  
'Come in out of the rain, why don't you.'  
  
Flick of a lighter and a flame struggles against the night, but Gojyo manages to light his cigarette. 'You've been out there for...oh shit!'  
  
Heated hands, rough but not painful, hard onto my shoulders and my feet are moving, booted steps following quickly in my rain-puddle walk.   
  
Hakuryuu lets out a concerned cry and lands gently on my shoulder, wrapping its tail around my neck.  
  
He burns, and I try to coax him off, but my arms are weak and failing.  
  
'What the fuck did you think you were doing Hakkai!' Gojyo strips both of the low beds, then lays me out on one, piling the two blankets and two coverlets over my body. 'You're already not in the best of shape after healing me and the monkey, and you're doing this! Do you think I don't know you've been pulling late nights for a week? Of course I know that, you're always up looking after us, and then you go and pull something stupid like this!' He goes to sit cross-legged on the floor, and Hakuryuu settles in his lap. 'Go to sleep, Hakkai, and we'll all hope you don't get sick,' he says after a short silence, much calmer now. 'Hakuryuu and I'll be here.'  
  
I turn my head and look at him, his features twisted with worry -   
  
/How can he be so worried about me?/  
  
- and his eyes pin down mine.  
  
Something behind my eyes begins to flutter, the distinct impression of feet moving around quietly inside my head, someone else's eyes looking around the inside of my memories, out my own eyes.  
  
That other presence feels - warm - a strange thing to describe an intruder. And it is that warmth that lulls me to sleep, here in the presence of a half-youkai and a small white dragon.  
  
*  
  
'The fuck...wake up, Hakkai!'  
  
'Kyuu!'  
  
/I can hear you but I can't see you I can't see/  
  
'Gojyo? Sanzou said....'  
  
'Saru! Get that monk in here on the double!'  
  
'Hakkai? Hakkai!'  
  
'Go, Goku, now!'  
  
/Don't Gojyo he's not supposed to leave us/  
  
'What was he doing?'  
  
'Getting depressed like you, damn corrupt monk, only he did it *in* the rain!'  
  
'Urusai.'  
  
/I was thinking about Kanan/  
  
'Kyuu kyuu kyuu!'  
  
'I think he said the rain makes Hakkai feel sad....'  
  
'Tell me something I don't know, saru. Go to my room, there's a small black bag on the table, get it and bring it back here.'  
  
'Hakkai? Oi, open those eyes - damn it, you're freezing....'  
  
/I know you're there, but I - I can't feel you, Gojyo/  
  
'Kyuu...!'  
  
'Good thinking, Hakuryuu, think you can keep it up?'  
  
'Kyuu!'  
  
'Kappa...what are you doing?'  
  
'Trying to keep him warm.'  
  
/Gojyo...help me wake up, I feel only ice here/  
  
'Hakkai, I know you can hear me. Try to focus on my voice and wake up, okay?'  
  
'Sanzou! I got the bag you asked me for....'  
  
'Give it to me. Gojyo, bring him to a sitting position and tilt his head back.'  
  
/That strong coppery taste again, filling my mouth, the smell in my nose, but somehow it doesn't feel like blood - Sanzou? What is this?/  
  
'Sanzou, what's that?'  
  
'Medicine for cold people, saru. We have to try and get his body temperature to come up again.'  
  
'Come on, Hakkai, swallow it please....'  
  
'Your hands are quite warm, Gojyo....'  
  
'Hakkai!'  
  
'Hakkai!'  
  
'Kyuu!'  
  
*  
  
Outside the window the sun has come up, weak through the clouds that still hang over this town. People pass by with umbrellas in their hands, or hanging over their arms; there are some who are already wearing their raincoats, anticipating the rain that might fall at any moment.  
  
In the little house opposite the inn the housewife is putting her potted plants on the hard-packed ground next to the main door, saving herself the trouble of watering them today.  
  
One of the pots contains a small sprig of bright red flowers.  
  
'Good morning.'  
  
I turn my head and there is Gojyo, red hair and eyes shining with health, framed in the door with a wooden lap-tray in his hands. 'Good morning to you too, Gojyo. What is that?'  
  
'Breakfast,' is his easy, smiling answer. He pulls up a chair next to the bed in which I am still lying, then places the tray over my legs.   
  
The tray contains a steaming bowl of soup, three oranges, a teapot and two cups.  
  
'Sorry about the rations,' the red-haired man says cheerfully as he takes one of the oranges and starts peeling it. 'But you know, somebody peached on you to the innkeeper's wife, so she went and made up a tray for the poor patient. Also known as you. So eat up, she'd hate to see that wasted, you know.'  
  
'Thank you for taking so much trouble - and I must ask you to tell her the soup is delicious,' I say between spoonfuls. It is a rich beef broth, with some cooked rice and vegetables mixed in.  
  
Gojyo finishes peeling his orange, and offers me a section. 'Makes me think of that beef-and-orange stew you made couple of months ago.'  
  
'Sou desu ka? Then I hope you'll help me eat all the oranges - three seems to be a bit too much.'  
  
The meal done, he clears the tray.  
  
'Gojyo?' I say as he gets up.  
  
'Mm.' The expression on his face is not entirely closed to me, but it is not entirely open either. Or perhaps it is only the clouds, now looming closer over this town.  
  
'About last night...thank you very much.'  
  
He plucks the tray from my lap and moves it to the table in the corner, then returns to his chair. 'Would you like to talk about it?' he asks in a quiet voice.   
  
'Hai.'  
  
'Were you remembering Kanan? Was that the reason why you stayed out in the rain last night?'  
  
/I remember how cold were Kanan's eyes when she plunged my knife into her skin..../  
  
*  
  
*Hot and steaming her blood as it sprayed out, but*  
  
'Gonou...I am already carrying that thing's child inside me. I can feel it turning inside, turning so cold, freezing my blood. This child will kill me and kill you and kill everyone and...and so I must kill it first.' A little smile, soon to be frozen forever on her lips. 'Now give me your knife, Gonou, my Gonou.... Goodbye....'  
  
*cold, so cold on me and*  
  
'Kanan! No, Kanan, no!!!!' I reached for her, my voice raw from the screams I made and those I heard, tried to catch her through the bars that separated us and she slumped to the floor. I had not even had the consolation of holding her, of consoling her, as she gave up her life.  
  
*my rage began to burn, burning my cold body*   
  
And I...I have thought, in the silent moments, on endless midnights long after I became Cho Hakkai, that there are very good reasons why rage is heat and cold in the same moments, perhaps only half-heartbeats apart. I felt my mind turn to ice, reason and knowledge gone, and my body was awash in fire, only seeking to destroy and to avenge.  
  
*and I felt like the walking dead, dead with the woman I loved,*   
  
You remember what Chin Ii Sou said. It was his entire family I killed on that one night, a thousand, less one, more one, every single one. I never thought to count, only knew with burning knowledge she had been touched by one of them, by all of them, and so she had been killed by them.  
  
*walking only to taste vengeance in her name,*  
  
I started without my knife - with my bare hands I tore out the throats of the guards, in that stinking basement cell where my heart had died. Blood running down my arms and legs as I climbed, heat cooling rapidly in the air. Spring had just come, but the bite of snow, freezing death, remained in that forsaken place.  
  
*forever and forever always fire and ice and...*  
  
So I've killed more than my share of youkai, with and without companions, and in each one I seek to save my Kanan. Fire in my movements seeking to burn her shame and mine away, ice in the back of my mind saying I can never have her back and my pain will never leave me....  
  
*and pained life to the end, never even to know if she or I could be saved*   
  
*  
  
'Still feels like ice,' I hear Gojyo say toward the corner of the room when I wake up that evening - Genjo Sanzou's hair gleams in the light of the candle beside him, as do Son Goku's worried golden eyes, and the scales along Hakuryuu's back. 'Had to ask the innkeeper for another blanket sometime around sunset 'cos I never saw anybody shiver as hard as he did.'  
  
'I'm so sorry to put you to all this trouble,' I say, and immediately all eyes swing to me. Hakuryuu takes off from his perch on Gojyo's shoulder and settles atop my headboard, crooning softly.  
  
I watch Goku as he gets up from the floor - oddly, he's sitting at Sanzou's feet - and carefully tries to sit next to me on the bed. 'Hakkai,' is all he can manage to get out, his lips trembling as he places his hand on my arm.  
  
I suck my breath in hard through my teeth; he pulls his hand away. 'Hot,' I whisper; my voice is lost as Goku cries 'Cold!' loudly enough to startle Hakuryuu.  
  
'That's not a good sign,' and Sanzou speaks, but briefly. He lights another cigarette off the butt of his last one.  
  
Gojyo rearranges my blankets, then puts his hand over them, in the general vicinity of my left hand. 'Well, ain't nothing going to be solved by sitting here and worrying our heads off. Why don't we all try to stay calm and get some sleep, and maybe tomorrow can bring us some good news.'  
  
He gets a raised eyebrow from Sanzou and a confused frown from Goku, but he, Hakuryuu and I watch them go.  
  
Before the door closes I catch a glimpse of Sanzou, his arm around Goku, and seeming to draw him near.  
  
'Going back to sleep?' Gojyo asks quietly, once the door is closed behind them.  
  
'Hai. I don't feel like I can eat right now,' I reply softly.  
  
'You're still pretty cold even with those blankets on you - freezing?'  
  
'Hai,' I say again.  
  
'Damn.' He places his hand very lightly over my forehead. 'That help?'  
  
'A little.'  
  
'Great. Try to sleep then.'  
  
'And you?'  
  
'Never mind me. I sleep way too much whenever you're driving anyway.'  
  
I raise my other hand to cover the one on my forehead. 'Thank you so much. I believe the term is lifesaver.'  
  
'That's me. Now get some rest. Try to fix yourself.'  
  
*  
  
A weak, gray dawn struggles through the curtains when I wake again. The silence hangs heavily over the town, coming in through the open windows, falling on the sleepers at my side; I struggle to sit up, and the quiet swallows the rustling of the sheets.  
  
Hakuryuu is curled into a little circle beside my pillow, a thin wisp of steam issuing from one nostril, wings folded tightly to its back. The triangular head is pointed not at me, as is normal, but extended slightly in the direction of the other being sleeping here now.  
  
As far as I can sense its emotions, it is calm, reassured somehow by its proximity to me that I will pull through, and I'm touched by its faith.  
  
On the other hand, Gojyo's position is familiar, and for a moment I imagine myself back in any one of the many hotel rooms when we all had to stay in one place for lack of space for beds or peace from youkai attack - his legs are folded any which way on the floor, and his upper body is slanted onto my mattress. His arms are folded as well, but not the one that is stretched out, its fingertips touching mine.  
  
He sleeps so quietly, his breathing deep and even, peace in every line of his body. I think he does not yet know that there are tiny wrinkles beginning to form in the corners of his eyes - but now they are smoothened away in his repose.  
  
This isn't the first time I've watched him sleep, but it is the first time I've studied him.   
  
I think I'm beginning to understand how girls could flock to his side, even if his hair and eyes proclaim him as a taboo child, and despite the hairline scars on his left cheek. Somehow he has managed to overcome those supposed omens of ill fortune - it's not the color of his eyes that an enchanted girl looks into, but the charm that radiates from their depths. It's not the blood-like shade of his hair that drives a woman to reach for it, but its sheen of health, which sometimes causes a blinding flash or two while we're on the road under the sun. And as for the scars - he's wise enough to not call any attention to them, knowing that as long as he doesn't say anything about them, they remain invisible.  
  
All this time I've known Gojyo, all this time we've been together, and only now am I able to appreciate him in an aesthetic manner, as well as in other ways.  
  
I'm almost grateful to have fallen sick - I would never have had the chance to wake up with him at my side like this, and just look at him this way.  
  
Kanan was different, when I looked at her this way. She was different - the times we had together were so much different from these. I know that now.  
  
*  
  
Back on the journey again, this never-ending chase for the sunset that's become duty and not-duty at the same time. The gods might have seen fit to send Genjo Sanzou on this mission and the three of us as his - well, companions will do - but it isn't just following the words 'Because we said so' now, I think, even for our resident sutra-wearing monk. Or *especially* for him.  
  
I spent almost a week in bed, being fussed over by Gojyo, mostly. Hakuryuu always came back to sleep on one of my pillows at night but spent the days with Goku - the two of them must've had a lot of adventures in and around the town, if their incoherent reporting at each dinnertime had been any indication. And Sanzou would drop in every night, for a few words, but always to pick up his golden-eyed ward.  
  
I think I saw Sanzou take Goku's hand once, and keep it, as they left together.  
  
Today we are back in Jiipu. I sit for a moment with the steering wheel firm under my hands - and it feels as if I'd just been woken up.   
  
When I was younger I had been haunted by frequent sleepwalking episodes. I would wake up to find myself at the bottom of a staircase or at the edge of a sidewalk or in a corner of a room without understanding how I'd gotten there. Oh, my body knew how I had almost fallen off a step or tripped off a curb or crashed into a wall, but it always frightened me, because all I could and couldn't understand was *how did I make it?*  
  
But this morning, back on the road - I am awake. I am alive. I hear every emotion Sanzou keeps hidden in his monotone, mostly for Goku, but the rest of us are under his consideration too. I sense all of Goku's longing for life as he says he is hungry and bored and warm and annoyed and happy. I feel Jiipu beneath me, running along the ribbon of road that stretches silver into the distance, happy to see me up and about again. I see the worry in Gojyo's silence, watching him as he watches me, our eyes meeting in the rear-view mirror.   
  
We have left the rains behind us, and together make our way into another season - green all around us in the forest, dappled with golden summer sunlight, birds calling overhead in their myriad conversations and the rustlings all around us of life. It's not so much a reminder of what we're on this trip for as a day's delight in being alive and being in such company. I must remember to try to live this way, and I hope that it will benefit me greatly.   
  
And I must remember too to thank Gojyo for his goodness, for showing this to me.   
  
~owari 


End file.
